Tatang (My Father)

I took an afternoon nap a while ago and on my rest, I have dreamed about Tatang (my father). On my dream I was lost and looking for our house but I couldn't find it. I go around the whole place looking for it then I saw our neighbor Tata Gil and asked him where is our house located. Weird because I don't know where we live. Then he said, I have to pass the river before I'll reach it. Then my family were coming because they are staying at Tata Gil's place. When I saw them I embraced my dad with such joy, kissed him and told them that I was lost and I couldn't find our residence. I also embraced my mom and kissed her. They were all happy to see me.

When I woke up, I cried because I really miss Tatang so much. My father died 6 years ago but his memories never died. He is always on my heart and on my mind. Again I remembered what Sis Dhines told me about the last dream I had. Telling me that her counselor once told her that God reveals who we really are on our dreams. Yes, I really wanted to see my dad again. Though I already accepted his death but I don't understand why until now I am still wishing to see him and hug him. Just the other week I've been crying because of him.

One night I was thinking about confession of sins that was discussed on our training months ago. It is needed before Baptism and for Baptism Training. I struggled so much because I am really ashame to confess all my sins. I am praying those days that God will reveal and help me remember all my sins and when I remember my past life it is really shameful. I am full of regrets though our leaders keep telling me that whatever happened to me will be used for His glory. All the while I thought the 3 or 4 particular sins I have committed was the most regretful part of my life but that night, I was reminded of my loving father. You know what I have realized? The most painful and regretful sin I have committed was when the time I lied to my father and the times that I disobeyed him just because of my selfishness, because of my own unrighteous desires, because of loving an undeserving guy.

When my father died 6 years ago, that was the time I hated God. I really love my dad, he is my mentor, my hero. I wasn't that bad daughter but there were times that I took his kindness for granted. And it is really painful to realize that there was a time that I lied to him. I wanted to be successful and I studied really harder because of my parents. I always want to give them a comfortable life. I am always wishing to have my own car to drive for them specially for my dad because he is very busy helping other people so he have to travel most of the time. He is such a great man. A lot of people admired his generosity, his loving-kindness, and unselfishness. Since I was 4 or 5, I am always praying to God to bless my parents with a long life. Seriously, no failure I am praying that not just every night but every moment that I am seeing them. I've learned to pray and the Word of God through him. I started working in a great company months before he died. I thought that was my chance to repay him for his love. I was single then and he is happy about that. I always wanted to buy him lot of things then. Though he does not go out with us whenever I treat my mom and sis for lunch during my day off. That is why when he died, I rebelled against the Lord. I really hated Him always complaining and asking why He took away someone that I love most. Yes I love my mom of course but I was really close to my dad. My dream of driving for him and buying him a lot of things had shattered. Since then, I always go out with friends drinking, bar-hopping, and done a lot of selfish and unrighteous things. I seldom pray then. I only pray when I need something, when I am depress. I have accepted his death after 2 years of mourning because also of a dream.

When I was in China year 2005, I had a dream. There was such a huge golden boat in a field located at the back of our residence. Yes it was an ark and my whole family were seated in the middle. I am standing in front of the boat rowing and my father is standing beside me guiding me, giving directions where we will go. I asked a friend, Jing to interpret the dream and with her interpretation, I have learned to accept Tatang's death and sorrows about his death were gone.

Just a week or 2, I am telling my niece Faith all these regrets. I told her to love her parents and take good care of them while she have all the chances or she will regret a lot of things. I really miss him, sometimes I am praying and asking for a chance to see my dad because I really want to hug and kiss him like I never did before. But I don't complain and ask God anymore about his death like I do before. I love my parents so much but giving them a hug before and a kiss is really hard for me because I am shy to do that though I always wanted to. I am not that sweet but deep inside me I really love them. My love was more sentimental, more on feelings than on acts. That is why how regretful I am. And I thank God because I can do that to my mom now. I thank Him for all the changes in my life. While writing this, I just thought, realized that this dream I just had is a granted prayer. Wow, praise God at least I am able to give my father a hug and a kiss though it is only in my dream. I am so grateful to the Lord for giving me that chance. I am really so glad about it. My father's face is so clear on my dream. Oh what a comfort and relief. I am really so blessed. God's love is really unconditional and sweet. Even on this really little thing, He provides still. So blessed that He gave me such a wonderful and best parents in the world. Aside from His love and the life of Jesus, my parents and my family were the best gifts I ever had in my life. To God be the glory, all honor, and all praises!

Just cried another litter of tears and thank God for His comfort. My heart is rejoicing and full of life. God is so great.. so good.. all the time!